I took a few days off last week to rest and spend some time in prayer and meditation. I was exhausted, used up, completely spent. This was one of the things, the number one issue, that I wanted to discuss with God. If I am fulfilling my purpose, should I be this tired?
I looked for answers in the story of Lazarus, Jesus’ friend whom he raised from the dead.
Scripture tells us Jesus knew exactly what he was going to do. He told his disciples what would happen. When he arrived at the family home and saw Lazarus’ sisters, Martha and Mary, he told them to believe and trust God. Yet, even knowing what he was going to do, and there would be a reunion of the family, Jesus was moved to the point of tears at their sorrow.
In this ministry at the LCM, I witness suffering and sorrow every day. People who have experienced great loss. People who have made terrible life altering mistakes trying to rebuild. People who are hungry and about to become homeless. People who already are homeless. I can help some and not others. There are days when I am so frustrated by the lack of resources I have to work with, I think my heart will explode.
But,I know God has no resource problem. I know if I believe and trust as Martha and Mary did, the miraculous will come. I also believe if more people knew, saw, heard the things that I do, they would be moved as Jesus was to do something.
After spending days praying about this, I came to the conclusion that I am supposed to be exhausted and used up. I am supposed to be completely spent. It is the appropriate response when we witness suffering. It is the example set by Jesus.
However, my perspective has changed. I don’t think my role here at the LCM is to fix everything. God doesn’t need me for that. He’s God. He can do whatever he wants. My job is to be his partner and friend and to bear witness to the suffering of the poor. I am to share in His sorrow and not look away. I am currently entrusted with the care of just under 600 households and individuals. My mind cannot even comprehend the sorrow God witnesses from his vantage point.
I believe that God has placed me here at LCM to serve Him, our clients, our volunteers, our Board and my staff. Some I can help. Others I cannot. That has been a hard, hard heartbreaking lesson for me. As hard as I may try, I can’t solve all of the problems. I can’t fix everything. I am not God, nor his surrogate. What I am called to do is to be His witness to the suffering, not look away, and share his grief. Then do something.
Jesus wept. So should I.
-Jackie
P.S. If you would like to contribute to LCM’s financial assistance program, we currently have 5 times more applicants than we do funds to assist. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
