My late husband, Gary, left to me what he called the Burned to Death Tour. Gary was among other things, a touring musician at times. He also had a slightly skewed sense of humor. I was Gary’s roadie when he toured. I suppose this seemed to him like a normal thing to do.
The instructions were to visit places we shared over the course of our life together, spread a few of his ashes and read the letter he wrote for each location. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t see how this prolonged funeral would help. Gary has been gone four years. I just started reading the letters and “touring” a few months ago.
Gary’s intention with this craziness was to remind me who I am. After 7 years of caring for him 24/7, he thought I had forgotten. He wasn’t wrong. In his introductory letter, he asked me to trust him to help me move on with my life.
Trust was a very important part of our relationship. One of the guiding scripture verses for our marriage was Isaiah 26:3. You will keep in perfect peace him (or her) whose mind is steadfast because he (or she) trusts in you.
“God’s timing is perfect,” Gary wrote. “Sometimes people must leave our lives. Trust His timing.”
More trust. After witnessing what Gary suffered, I admit I had a few doubts about just how trustworthy God was. I miss my husband very much, but I missed the complete trust I once had in a benevolent God even more. Grief has a way of making you question your faith.
It took me some time to get here, but I have learned to be content in any and all circumstances as Paul advised. It isn’t the happiness that I once knew, but light is slowly returning to my life. It has been a difficult adjustment learning to live without my husband, one that required me to trust myself in ways I never had before. As I have searched for answers and processed my grief, I discovered it significantly deepened my faith and ultimately my trust in God.
What I have now is a solid purpose for which I am very grateful. And the work I have been given is good work that is fulfilling. It is now my job to keep our clients in perfect peace because they’re trusting us to show God’s love in their lives.
The process of grief cannot be rushed. It also must be trusted that day by day, it gets a little easier. I try to remain in perfect peace because I’m trusting God’s plans for me. I’ve accepted that Gary was right. God’s timing is perfect even when it doesn’t feel that way.
Our partner churches have some excellent programs for processing grief. Eastminster Presbyterian Church in Stone Mountain occasionally offers a Grief Recovery workshop that is well worth devoting a weekend of your time. Contact the church to find out when the next workshop is scheduled. Many of our other supporting churches have Grief Share, another excellent program for moving beyond grief after a loss.
-Jackie
